I’m back and getting a little personal

First off, I finally got internet yesterday! It feels like its been such a long time.  I plan to be back with more free printables and fun projects I’m doing around our new house. (Not to mention that I have 1000’s of blog posts I subscribe to in google reader to catch up on that probably won’t happen!)

However, I thought I would take a minute to tell you what’s going on in my head and some experiences I have gone through lately. I try not to get too personal, but I felt I should share for whatever reason. WARNING: This may be a little graphic so be warned!

Back at the end of March I wasn’t feeling so great. I decided to take a pg test which turned up positive. This was a shock for us. For 1, we struggle with infertility and this was truly out of the blue, secondly with the cross country move, graduation, job change…it was just so much going on at once. I was overwhelmed, I was nervous. I didn’t understand why this was happening then and I was completely overwhelmed. I just knew that this baby must be meant to come to us at this time. So for the next 3 months I was sick. I spent most of May not even able to get out of bed. We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks and everything looked good. My two previous miscarriages the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks so this was a good sign! At the beginning of June I started to feel a little better and had my 14 week appointment, heartbeat and everything was still good. We finally felt like this miracle was meant to be despite the timing of everything all going on at once. Fast forward to the end of June, 2 days before our move. I was 16 1/2 weeks and excited that we were going to be finding out the sex of the baby soon. My husband was out of town for 24 hrs flying back West to take a licensing exam for his new job. I got up and everything seemed normal. I took my son to the local free movie theatre and then we got back around 11. I went to the bathroom and something strange happened. I felt what seemed to be a water balloon. I knew this wasn’t normal and started panicking. I called my mom who lived on the other side of the country and was freaking out. She told me I needed to go to the hospital and call someone to go with me since I was alone. I couldn’t make sense of my thoughts but I knew I needed help. I called a friend from church who immediately came and picked me and my son up and took us to the ER. On the way, my water broke(the balloon I felt) and I started bleeding a lot. I got settled in the ER and was still bleeding a lot but no other symptoms, no cramping, no pain, nothing! My friend arranged for someone to come get my son and take him to play for the day. I spent the day in the ER with tests, exams, ultrasound. Finally, many hours later, I was told that the ultrasound showed the baby was alive, but there was no amniotic sack or fluid. They don’t see this often and didn’t know what to do. The OB on call referred me to a local specialist and my friend drove me over there. I went in and they did another ultrasound. They told me that at this point the baby was in the birth canal and they could only get a pic of its head and at this point, a baby cannot survive, there is nothing they can do. The specialist came in and told me since the baby was on its way down that he recommended we do a d&c right in his office and that it would save me from having to go be re-admitted to the hospital and put under for the procedure. It was the worst 45 minutes of my life. Painful physically but emotionally horrid. My friend drove me home after and we picked up my son. He didn’t know what was going on. He didn’t even know I was pg, we were waiting until after we found out the gender to tell him. At this point, I didn’t want him to feel the pain of the loss so we didn’t tell him. He is 5 1/2 and always wonders why we don’t have any babies come to our house. He doesn’t understand. My mom caught the first flight out and got there at 9pm and my husband got back at 10pm. Thank heavens for mothers, she saved me. She took care of me and cleaned my house and helped us move. I know we could have pushed off the move, but I just wanted to leave that place of so much pain. I still can’t believe how my life changed so much in a matter of hours.We thought we were in the clear, we just KNEW this baby was coming for a reason. I still don’t understand it all.  I still break down, my baby is gone.

We moved in our new house and while we were excited, there is still a feeling of shattered dreams and plans. The “nursery” will now be something different. Baby items we had unearthed in the move were taken right back down in the storage where they have been for years. Before the move, I had added my maternity clothes to my wardrobe box certain I would be needing them soon after we moved. It was difficult to look at them as I unpacked and had to tuck them back away in their storage tote.

Why am I sharing this? I don’t know really. This is me. This is about as real as it gets. Maybe it will help you all know me a little better. What have I learned from all this? I have found tender mercies from the Lord, we were blessed even during this dark time.

Frankly, I don’t understand why this happened at all and I don’t think I ever will. I always believed things happened for a reason, now I can’t say that I do. I think sometimes things just happen, hearts get broken and sometimes there is nothing anyone can do about it. I am grateful to my Savior for being my comforter. I am grateful that I have a healthy son who I love more than anything, I am blessed to have him. So many don’t even get to experience being a parent at all and I know I am blessed.

Anyways, thats what’s happened since I last posted. I’ll be back soon with more uplifting and fun projects to share. Luckily, I have lots of things I was saving away to upcycle before our move and it is fun to have those to keep me busy. I’ll be sure to share.